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It's Elemental: Growing Pains: Yes there is growth in divorce

It's Elemental: Growing Pains: Yes there is growth in divorce: The communication between us is becoming singularly about the children. Reaching milestone ages and events in their lives cause me to face the inevitable day when there won't be a reason for us to have that relationship. That is part of the change and growth of a divorced parenting situation.

Growing Pains: Yes there is growth in divorce

I woke up one day and realized I am not interested in what my ex is doing with his wife, as long as it doesn't affect 1) my children; 2) my child support, and 3) my plans. This is a true growth moment.

Our teenage daughter is tall, growing more lithe by the day, and had her eyebrows waxed as a gift from her Aunt last week. She is getting older. Our 7 year old son is having 'talks' with his 12  year old cousin, and counseling him, usually ending in encouraging him to pray about the things that they have discussed. He is growing in faith and wisdom. They won't be babies forever.

Our children are what keep us in communication on a personal level, as divorced parents. We work hard to iron out communication differences between ourselves so that we can raise healthy happy children, because we already feel we have slighted them by failing at marriage. We deal with each other more kindly because of them, but there is also an underlying camaraderie between us while we parent together. Small triumphs, victories, laughter over funny moments, joy over successes. Moments parents share in.

Slowly but surely, the relationship becomes more about the children and less about what we had together as a family before the divorce. The communication between us is becoming singularly about the children. Reaching milestone ages and events in their lives cause me to face the inevitable day when there won't be a reason for us to have that relationship. That is part of the change and growth of a divorced parenting situation.

This also got me thinking in terms of how I want to spend the latter years of my life. Do I want to be married again? I know I asked that question of myself a few posts ago, but I have to be sure I am being honest with myself. In my pondering, a better question is am I ready to date. I found out after asking myself a few real questions that I am not. I haven't reached that growth point yet. It would be unfair and selfish of me to date anyone if the purpose of dating is to entertain a possible future relationship. I am currently unwilling to give even 50% of my attention to another person.

So, while growth comes on some levels, it remains stunted on others. Living divorced is a continuous journey of revelations and successes. And some setbacks. But it is yet living.

Trip to the Amusement Park: Focus on the Kids

I am writing this while waiting for my children to shower for church on a Sunday morning. Yesterday we went to Kings Island, THE amusement park to conquer every summer if you live anywhere near Cincinnati, Ohio. We do, so it is a must. In the past 2-however old my teenage daughter is, her wonderful Auntie has taken her on this delightful trip. Her Aunt is in hiding right now, (you will have to visit my other blog Black, Divorced & Virtuous for more on that) and has left these trips to me. Oh, hurrah, hurrah!

Yes, my parents made these trips with me yearly. Yes, I hated them. The trips, not my parents. The only part I ever really enjoyed was the then Hanna Barbera Land (Yogi, Boo Boo?) that has subsequently been Nickelodeon World and, to the chagrin of my teenager, is now Planet Snoopy. That was my magical kingdom.

You can imagine the anxiety of planning a full day at the amusement park with my 13-year-old daughter, 7-year-old son and 6-year-old nephew. Oh, and my 77-year-old mom. That is 4 people with kid mentalities, and one adult between them. Jesus be a fence is my constant prayer. And on this occasion, He was.

I took the time to plan and pray. Then I didn't tell my Mom until 2 days before the trip. That was crucial, because if you know anything about the elderly, they begin to digress into many emotionally charged multiple personalities with names such as early onset dementia, early onset Alzheimer, fear of losing control, or just general eye rolling snappiness. Also, just happens to be that my mom LOVES Kings Island. As long as she is not forced to be in the heat without shade for too long, she is good. She loves the Safari ride and the shows more than anything.

Secondly, my sisters family went as well, so that gave the teenager riding partners. Freedom from teenage angst is a beautiful thing. God was extra awesome because the teenagers was feeling extra fly and looking extra teenage awesome, so she was on board for all kinds of extra helpfulness. Thumbs up on that end.

The next part of my plan was to focus my day on making sure the two boys had a good time, which could have been the dynamite that detonated the full day into tiny shards of discontent and balls of furious boy anger, . I believe this is where adults go wrong at amusement parks. Yes, you have to refocus your kids from all the marketing efforts to get your money, but you have to focus your attention on making sure your kids are having a great time. It helped that we went with my sisters job, so we had discount tickets and they provided our lunch. We carried water, Gatorade and the like, and my kids already know they get to choose one item to take home with them, but the amusement park is about having family fun, not retail therapy. Getting that straight with your family is important at the start. So, with all that done, I stayed focused on these two little boys who held the key to our good day.

We had a couple near melt downs. My son wanted to ride a twisted tunnel water ride;(which would have ruined my hair and cause me a mental breakdown, but I was gonna do it) I went all the way to the very front of the line with him where he decided it was too scary and we had to walk all the way back down the climbing metal staircase. Me -Not happy. Him, hand holding with Mommy who actually was gonna ride that monster with him.

My nephew won a key battle between his early start at the beach or my moms safari ride to see live animals. She gave in because he was as obstinate as she, and I just stepped back and let them stare each other down. I even tried my one phone call for assistance - his "Nanny Girl". She was a fail. He won and we headed to the wave pool with the rest of the family. I parked my mom on a chaise under a shaded umbrella, where she was most satisfied to people watch and locate folks who were on Jerry Springer, "I Swear", or should be on Jenny Craig, while playing with my 8 month old niece.

Planning and focus paid off. We had an awesome time; so much so that the boys slept all the way home, and the Mom was so satisfied. Now, when I want to ride roller-coasters, I will leave the kids at home with the Mom, and take a rider to Cedar Point - the other amusement park you HAVE to conquer if you live in Ohio.  

It's Elemental: nobody told me - Join the New Sexual Revolution

It's Elemental: nobody told me - Join the New Sexual Revolution: "Buy this book! As books go 'nobody told me' , by Pam Stenzel and Melissa Nesdahl , is groundbreaking. I wish I had 100 copies so I could..."

It's Elemental: nobody told me - Join the New Sexual Revolution

It's Elemental: nobody told me - Join the New Sexual Revolution: "Buy this book! As books go 'nobody told me' , by Pam Stenzel and Melissa Nesdahl , is groundbreaking. I wish I had 100 copies so I could..."

nobody told me - Join the New Sexual Revolution

Buy this book!

As books go 'nobody told me', by Pam Stenzel and Melissa Nesdahl, is groundbreaking. I wish I had 100 copies so I could give them to not only girls and boys, but men and women. The truth about sex and intimacy is hiding from America wrapped up in a scary word called education. When we educate ourselves about the myth that having sex is the defining act of adulthood and independence; the quickest way to instant gratification; or the way we say 'I love you',  we change the outcome of our lives.

In a Christian aspect, we get the true story about what sex is meant to be; in a non religious aspect, we get the truth about what sex has become.

There are some basic truths we need to accept, and any person who has had sex knows that they are just that: basic truths about sex.

• There are physical consequences to having sex before marriage
• There are emotional consequences to having sex before marriage
• There are Spiritual consequences to having sex before marriage.
• It is okay to say this out loud and reason together about it.

Even the style in which the book is laid out is user friendly and encourages reflection and conversation. I am passing the book on to my 13 year old daughter so that we can discuss the findings together. Then she will pass it on to her 21 and 23 year old cousins so that they can join the discussion with us.

This is a great opportunity to create a network of people with which to discuss the "New Sexual Revolution". Build your network and make informed decisions. The best decision is abstinence, and you can join the new revolution today. Be a rebel. I did!

You can link up with Pam Stenzel on Facebook: Like Pam Stenzel
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